Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
This is not my ceiling
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
