my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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