My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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