Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
