we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
