so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
