Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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