can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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