I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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