ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
