im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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