Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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