And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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