Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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