Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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