I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
