i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
