Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
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At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
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You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The feeling are messing with the penis
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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