I wish I could punch you in the face.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
