Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Drunk is a universal language darling
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
