I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
