I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
