If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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