shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
