i already hear my dad disowning me
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
