My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
