i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
