Pants 0. Shit 1.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
