So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."