i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
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Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
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oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(