you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
