Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
