new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
