I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
