Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
