I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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