i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Randomize
