i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
