If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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