her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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