You just made me feel so damn special
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
