Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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