I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
