dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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