When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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