if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
