she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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