Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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