Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
