I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
And then my night got REAL pukey
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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