So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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