I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
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