Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
