I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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