hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
