Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"