i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?